July 02, 2006


A few months ago I was stopped at a red light on White Bridge Road. I looked to my left and read the Walgreens marquee that advertises daily specials. It said this:
Chicken Poop $2.99
It's all true. Although I was alone in my car, unable to share this hysterical mystery with anyone save the strangers in their cars surrounding me, I laughed out loud anyways. I immediately thought that some punk high school kid making minimum wage at Walgreens intentionally sabotaged the marquee in order to 1) get fired because he hated his boss and 2) wanted to humiliate his boss by making him publicly remove a sign that his punk ex-employee put up. When I heard the real story, I felt remorse, yet surprisingly pleased, at my ability to make up such detailed imaginary incident. Two days later this sign made the local evening news. The explanation was much better than my fantasy. Chicken Poop turned out to be chap stick. $2.99 chap stick. The woman who invented and marketed it grew up on a farm and named it after her father's wise words: "When you have chapped lips the best thing to put on them is chicken poop. That way you won't lick your lips!"

Today I passed an advertisement for Shoney's. It said "No Lie! Free Pie!" underneath those bold red letters, in smaller, less noticeable letters were the words, "Purchase Required."
For the love...


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