May 22, 2007

you are what you see

If you visit here regularly, you may (or may not) have noticed something. I don't blog about t.v. shows. This is because I don't really watch t.v. that much. Yes, I have one, and yes, I have cable. And yes, I do, on occasion, decide to sit down and relax by voluntarily turning off my brain and turning on that blackhole box. But I don't have a show. I don't want a show. I want to explain why. This post is dedicated to those of you out there who have a show, have too many shows, or think you need a show. And you all know I know you know who you all are...

Top Ten reasons why you do not need a show:

10. You are what you see. This could be bad if you are watching - well anything. Unless you are watching your own reality t.v. show, and then that would be, just, meta - and therefore redundant, and also a little bit egomaniacal. But I digress.

9. Studies show watching teevee produces less brain activity than sleeping. It also has an adverse affect on your ability to discern reality from fantasy. And that's not just when you're watching The Real World.

8. Excessive televisioning inhibits our social capabilities. By becoming sucked into the world of fantasy-based situations, we are less likely to maintain real-world relationships and problem-solving skills. Can I insert one more hyphyenated-word? Segue into #7.

7. Nobody wants to be friends with you if this scenario happens more than twice:

Your phone: ringing
You: hello?
Your friend: hey dude! what's up? do you want to grab a bite tomorrow night?
You: I can't.
YF: why not man? gotta hot date?
You: yah man. Desparate Housewives!! duh. Don't you watch?
YF: dude - no man. That's messed up. (and yes, yes it is.)
You: click

6. OR Scenario 2 (a variation of scenario 1)
Your phone: ringing
You: hello?
YF: hey friend! I need help! My engine just blew. I'm on 65 at the Dickerson Pike exit. Can you come get me?
You: uh, can you wait until American Idol is over? They're about to send someone home.
YF: click (in case this needs translation, you two are sooo not friends anymore!)

5. ooh, one more!! Scenario 3: At all costs, do NOT let this be you:
Your phone: ringing
You: hit 'ignore' on your phone. I mean, come on - the Bachelor is JUST ABOUT to hand out the first 10 roses...

4. Your coworkers WISH they had something better to discuss than whether Meredith Grey is a better character alive or dead. They are secretly counting on you to bring the more meaningful discussions of the world to the table. You know like, salvation, for example.

3. You have better things to do and better things to blog about. You could blog about what you did instead of watching Lost. Remember, you already have passions, interests and viable hobbies. T.V. shoud be a filler, an extra, a last resort - never a priority. (see #5-7)

2. Jack Bauer is never going to love you as much as you love him. And if he was real *gasp!* he would probably kill you.

And the #1 reason why you do NOT need a show....

1. Your MOM has a show.

1. You have friends, family, pets, charities and even enemies that deserve your inheritance much more than Sammie's baby on Days of Our Lives. Her baby has a diddy. They just don't know who it is yet.

Disclaimer: I have, sometimes in the past, been privy to shirking off certain social engagements and responsibilities to watch Top Chef, Friends, Real World/Road Rules challanges, America's Next Top Model, and others I am too ashamed to mention by name. Please know I have seen the error of my ways and no longer....oh forget it. I think Deal or No Deal is about to start.


At 7:31 PM, Blogger holly said...

Best. Linkage. Ever.

At 7:54 AM, Anonymous malia said...

I think my favorite one was the "bachelor" link. You are too funny!

At 8:06 AM, Anonymous lisa leichner said...

Do you know HOW to be anything BUT funny?? Love it!!

At 8:14 AM, Blogger Emily said...

thanks Malia - I thought about that one for a long time, actually.
Thanks to everyone else too. I'm glad you enjoyed!

At 8:30 AM, Anonymous john h said...

I'd love to comment on this mean-spirited sadistic post, but I've got way too much tv to watch..I mean, what with my DVR and all those SCRUBS to watch.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger Michael said...

Wait, was this blog post supposed to be about me? Look at this way--I watch TV so you don't have to.

And hey, I'd never turn down social events or helping out a friend to stay home and watch TV...OK, well, there was that one time when I did delibarately not make plans on a Friday night to watch the season premiere of Battlestar Galactica, but that is a whole different story.

Dear heavens, I need a 12-step plan...

At 12:01 PM, Blogger Emily said...

Michael - yes, you're blog was of consideration during the writing of this post. However, there are others to which this post was also dedicated. You are not alone.
Battlestar Galactica is completely lost on me by the way. Why people watch it, I will never know. I would choose Blossom over BG. Heck, I would even just go to bed early if I had no other choice.

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Diana said...

When your Dad reads this post, he will say .... "Like Mother - Like Daughter".
Love You!!!!
See you tonight!!!

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Michael said...

See, now I feel challenged to at least get you to watch an episode or two of Battlestar Galactica and realize how wonderful it is. I know a LOT of other people who have said that it's lost on them until my relentless praising causes them to breakdown and watch. And most of the time, they love it and then thank me as they ask to borrow the DVDs...

At 7:10 PM, Anonymous malia said...

I have to agree with Big O'Michael about BSG. I was skeptical until I started watching it. It's a very captivating show, IMO. I think it's a good balance between sci-fi and drama so that neither genre becomes too overwhelming.

At 9:58 PM, Blogger Paula Harrington said...

Jack Bauer is never going to love you as much as you love him. And if he was real *gasp!* he would probably kill you.


At 8:14 AM, Blogger Rae said...

Have u ever seen 24? I think you'd totally change your mind on that one. =)

At 8:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ok, now I'm obliged to say: "Like Mother, Like Daughter". There I've said it. But really, in this case it does fit. --- The Man in the Tree ---

At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well, I thot I was doing good narrowing it down to two shows. Yes I have told my wife not to answer the phone during Lost (pre-emptively, not while it was ringing) and I have prayed that there would not be a meeting on Wed evening after the Bible study.

good post...
I agree with my sis, the jack bauer quote was great


At 1:58 PM, Blogger Mat Brewster said...

This may make me write a "in defense of television" post in the near future.

For the most part I agree with what you said. Certainly if a person spends all of their time in front of the TV and has no social interaction, there is a problem. Definitely if a person refuses to give aid to a fellow human because of a television program, they need help. Lord knows we are way to fat because we watch TV and eat ice cream instead of getting some exercise.

There is also a ton of mind numbing, soul squashing crap out there.

But truth is, there is also some really high quality programing out there too.

You mentioned 24 and the first couple of seasons of that show were revolutionary. The use of real time was totally new to television, the direction and cinematography were top notch, the use of split screen to tell the story was brilliant. Acting and script writing also were excellent. They created an edge-of-your seat production of very high value.

No, it wasn't Shakespeare, or even Citizen Kane, but is was high value art.

Other shows like the Sopranos, Lost, and even the Office have meaning as an art form.

Sorry, don't mean to get on the soapbox here, and I know this is a lousy way to introduce myself on your blog, but I get a little excited when all of television is lumped into the same boobtube box as all the other crap.

At 3:42 PM, Blogger Emily said...

Thanks for the response Mat. I happen to agree with everything you just said. However, revolutionary split screen storytelling does not replace the truth that Jack Bauer does not love you back. There, I said it again.
Also, I happen to agree with everything you just said...


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